Where do I start? (Or more importantly, where will I end up?)

Sometimes you learn things about others that change your attitude toward them completely. You learn things that you would have rather not, and you wish you could bury your head in the sand and make it all go away. Sometimes those things are about others, and sometimes those things are about yourself.

You get so tired of trying to be what everyone else wants you to be, that when you try to get back to yourself, you've forgotten who you wanted to be in the first place.

Sometimes I feel guilty for not being like everyone else. For not trying harder to make peace or to make amends. Sometimes I feel guilty for standing up for myself; especially when it's easier to back down and keep quiet.
Sometimes I wish I could pull off the road I'm on and ask for directions.

All I want for Christmas- is just a little, kind and simple honesty. For people just to love me as I am. And for me to love as many people as I can. (That's why I'm here, afterall; I don't know how to do anything else.)

And won't you let me love you? And won't you just love me?


That's all I ask, because that's all I need.

100 Things in 1001 Days
Completion Date: May 18th, 2009
1. Read an entire list of banned books.
2. Go canoeing
3. Ask a friend out on a drinking date.
4. Catch up on my movies.
5. Dye hair Kick-Ass Red.
6. Get my Cartilage pierced.
7. Take a train ride.
8. Take a roadtrip.
9. Get a trunk to keep journals in.
10. Go to New York and see a Broadway Play
11. Flat (ter) Abs.
12. Go Shag dancing.
13. Learn to ride a bike.
14. Get a kickass wardrobe.
15. Have a balcony night.
16. Enjoy the sunrise and sunset of a day.
17. Do something spontaneous every week.
18. Learn an instrument.
19. Get something published.
20. Make a grasshopper out of a fork.
21. Fill courtyard fountain with rubber duckies.
22. Write love letters I’ll never send.
23. Learn to cook like Mom.
24. Have an herb garden, practice aromatherapy.
25. Fill said trunk with journals.
26. Buy and wear a cute denim miniskirt.
27. Ask someone out on a date.
28. Pick up archery again.
29. Learn to juggle devil sticks.
30. Learn massage therapy.
31. Create a web comic.
32. Get rid of my stage fright.
33. Apply/get an artist in residency.
34. Own a collection of band t-shirts.
35. Get a picture on a Jones soda bottle.
36. Travel and live in Ireland.
37. Buy my own house.
38. Have my own exhibition.
39. Learn to speak Loudly, Clearly, and Boldly.
40. Get the kickin’ orange prom dress.
41. Apply to SCAD.
42. Tell a guy that I like him without fear of rejection.
43. Meet Sabrina Ward Harrison. (Does talking to her on the phone count? I would love to meet her in person, but I'm afraid that I won't ever get to. Especially before my enddate!)
44. Finish my scrapbook from High School/College.
45. Meet a certain someone.
46. Finish writing in all of my journals that I’ve begun.
47. Live on my own in an apartment.
48. Graduate from college.
49. Reach 1,000 posts on OD/LJ.
50. Write a letter to a celebrity.
51. Go to another Josh Groban concert.
52. Finish refurnishing my coffee table.
53. Become a music snob.
54. Make a roadmap Elizabethtown style.
55. Throw a dinner party for my friends.
56. Touch a dolphin.
57. Send a message in a bottle.
58. Plant a tree.
59. Write my will.
60. See the Aurora Borealis in Canada.
61. Make a video about myself.
62. See a movie at a Drive-in.
63. Paint a mural.
64. Attempt to snowboard.
65. Learn to tango/salsa.
66. Adopt a cat.
67. Fall in love.
68. Donate blood.
69. Drive a Mustang Shelby Cobra.
70. Take a ballet class.
71. Visit MoMa in New York.
72. Climb a tree.
73. Go to church in Raleigh (Vintage 21).
74. Wear contacts for at least a month.
75. Sing “Midnight Train to Georgia” during Karaoke night, and do it well!
76. Read the entire bible.
77. Buy a lottery ticket.
78. Smoke a cigar.
79. Have a good relationship with a man [significant other], for a year or more.
80. Get a real job in my major.
81. Actually finish creating this list of 100 things to do.
82. Forgive someone that has hurt me deeply.
83. Find a lifelong enemy that I may strive against.
84. Pay for someone else to go on a trip/ do something that I wasn't/can't do myself.
85. Write a full-out business plan, and see if I can put it into action.
86. Have a meal at the Penny Lane Pub in Richmond, VA.
87. Create an online art business of my own and sell my wares.
88. Design a tattoo I would actually like to have. (Not necessarily have it done!!) (Was going thru some of my sketches and found one that I absolutely *love* that I would have done if I decided to get inked. But, uhm, don't think that's going to happen. :P)
89. Learn how to brew my own beer.
90. Reach and maintain a reasonable BMI.
91. Donate a reasonable sum of money to a the Make-a-Wish Foundation, or other worthy cause.
92. Buy my dream rucksack as initiative to go out exploring.
93. Make my own kick-ass website.
94. Learn to make at least 5-10 mixed drinks really, really well.
95. Revitalize and still my own soul.
96. Call SARK's phone line and leave a message for her. Did this just today! 5/27/08!
97. Not own a book that I haven't read.
98. Simplify my possessions to things that are only functional and/or beautiful.
99. Find out if Madeliene L'engle actually received that painting and letter I sent her when I was little. :P (Currently working on this one. It's in the hands of fate!)
100. Experience mind-blowing-nevertoberepeated-irresistable-uncontrollable passion. And no, this doesn't mean riding shotgun in the sin wagon. :P

At the moment I have completed 29 of my goals! I'm hoping to have at least half of them done by the end of the summer. So we shall see. :)

I wondered where you went, and with whom you met. The years have been cruel to my curiosity. And by years I mean weeks, and by weeks I mean four days. Despite however long the days have been since last we met, they do me no good until I speak with you again.

You seem to hold such wisdom in such a small person. I wonder how you are: Really. (In that deep down place where voices echo in the hollow.) Are you well? Have you found healing? Have you touched upon epiphanies and let the sorrow seep into your skin?

I know I have.

You don't seem to miss me. Although I know that there is some marrow in your bones that does. It cries out, but you push it back down and muffle its sound. You don't want to be dependant upon me. I understand, I don't want you to be either. I just want to share air with you; walk by your side, slowly, and with purpose. Yet you seem too busy, too caught up in your own abandonment. All you see are shadows that frighten you, but you can't find the light that creates those shadows on your wall. I wish I could grin at you and let that cast out your shadows, and leave you soft and warm. You look so tired these days - I know. I am, too. (Believe me, I am.) That's what happens when it breaks down from the inside out. Our outside shell is the first to go, and the beaming light of our selves has no barrier against the wind of the world. (Oh believe me, I know.)

Go on now, go on and live deep. Find what is authentic inside of you and be content in it. (There is no shame in that.) Carry with you only your own permission. Permission to do what is needed to heal again. You have permission, so give it unto yourself. Do not be complacent, that is what creates the most harm. Venture out! You'll be fine.

I'll be here waiting for you.

I have said on several occassions how much the word "enough" has seeped into my daily living. How I am trying to wrap my mind around such a word and all that it means is like trying to decipher a code without a rosetta stone. Once in a great while do I get an inkling of what it really means, all of which disappears the moment I try to match my thinking to it's newness.

Lately, I have found that being "enough" of anything requires the person to believe that they are "enough" as is. Without the fake, the plastic surgery, the money, the prestige...that we are enough just as we are, in this present moment we are all we need to be. I admit that I have a hard enough time trying to convince others to be constantly aware of this, but the hardest task of all is remaining, myself, aware of the matter. There is a constant recording inside of my mind telling me this, so that I may simply live without desiring the validation of others that make me feel I am enough of me for their own purposes.

It is true that we all have our varying perceptions of one another and the forms that we believe the other should take on to suit our needs, but the ancient mantra still whispers what it has come to know as truth over many millenia: To be "enough" to have validation, is an inside job. We cannot expect to find validation thru others when we ourselves do not believe we are enough as we are. Love who you are, as you are, and the love of others will follow. Even if, for some reason, we find the outside still mocking, you still have all the validation you need: Your own.

There is a kind of hesititation in all things according to departure: There is a brief pause, and then the desire to jump in to the dark pond of the unknowing future.

I have taken many steps in very few days. It seems as if this world that I live in has very little to do with me. Surprisingly, this is not the world that I would choose to live in if I could. Oh, I would much rather be living somewhere else. On the outskirts of this would be world and the world that I would so love to be a part of . I believe that the maker of all things does indeed have a plan in mind for me, even as i sit in front of this desk, listening to the music that soothes my soul. some call it 'easy listening', but for me, there is nothing easy about it. It is hard, hard to create and to recreate and to imagine such a diverse place to live in. Why can't anyone else go there with me? Why must I have to travel such a winding path of beauty as if I were traveling along? Whom shall I carry along? With what weapons shall I carry in my pack to assist me on such a lifelong travel? tra-vail?

Journey Backwards.

I have always done better with story problems that could only be solved by looking at the problem backwards. Approach it thru the back door, where it doesn't suspect that you would ever do. I mean, really, how many people keep the keys to their backdoors, anyway? It all seems as if I am mistaken.

Mistaken for something similiar to a dellusion of grandeur.

Many a stranger has passed thru my door, only to leave a friend.
I long to meet many more strangers.

I would like to think that all of this strange wonderings about do actually perhaps have some grander purpose. That I am not doing all this suffering for nothing. (I am torn in half by the thought of this-- half of me believes that I am doing it all for naught, the other half knows that i am not.)

I recently read The Bell Jar from cover to cover in two days. scary how much I could relate to our dear Esther and her beautiful madness.

I am strugggling with the idea of 'enough'.
It doesn't seem like i have been enough of anything lately.

And yet..a thought occurs to me. What if I am being more than enough, and it is all that around that is not enough to fill my needs and desires?

If I am more than enough, why am I myself stiffling in such unsatisfactory scenarios?
"A man can make a hell of heaven or a heaven of hell."

Time to make a heaven of my own.

Tonight was simply proof that true living requires brave loving. And in the face of all adversity, patience and understanding.

Love is cause for celebration, for there is not enough of it in this world. And those who do not celebrate do not love, because they are envious.

To love is to risk. (Risk persecution, judgement, isolation..) But yet,-the biggest risk?... Is not to love.

Never have I dissappointed so many people at once, nor made myself so deliriously happy all at the same time. I think a quote from Charles Dickins is in order:






"It was the best of times; it was the worst of times."

Here I am.
All plain and simplified.
I stand at ease and attention,
waiting for your delivery
of simple affection.

I've held you dear for so long,
won't you let me hold you for a little longer.
fold yourself into my arms,
a safe release,
a comforting embrace.
let me be your escape.

mediocre girls
do marvelous things.
they take the trash
and turn it to beauty
in their hands.

mediocre girls
are as real as can be.
they walk thru the world
with a smile on their lips.
and they grin into the wind.

mediocre girls
walk barefoot thru fire,
they prophesize
love thru acceptance.
and lend their souls
to their enemy.
in hopes they'll turn
into a friend.

mediocre girls
do marvelous things.

Nervously she held the silver piece of metal between her thumb and index finger. Aloud she recited the ancient playground ritual, "A...B...C...D", she said as she flicked the silver tab backwards and forwards.

Finally, the answer came with a tale-telling pattnk. The tab came off in her hand. "G" she said out loud to anyone that might happen to be listening.

Her face contorted itislef into a grimace. She only knew two boys whose name started with 'G", and she would not ever want to marry either of them.

Disgruntled, her pop can and it's "G" tab found themselves in a nearby trashcan.

She had performed this ritual devoutly everyday. And every day it was the same. The tab would pattnk in her hand on the letter "G". She had tried to trick fate into giving her another letter. Any other letter would do. Just not "G".

But the wisdom of the pop can tab had spoken. The letter that the tab pattnked on, was the initial of the first or last name of the person you were going to marry. She was resolute in one fact: She would not marry a boy whose name began with "G".

Secretly, she longed for "J"'s. If only she could get "J" tabs instead of the dreaded "G" tabs. She would be ecstatic! Every boy she ever cared for-their first names always began with "J".

The Tab Gods would not have it so. She was tied by fate to her least favorite letter in the alphabet. Still, she was hopeful. Every now and again she'd get another letter. Oh, what a happy day when she did not have a "G"!

It became a secret game to her, this ritual. She would play this game with the Tab Gods for many years. Secretly believing that it might one day get it right, and land on "J".

After many a year, and a multitude of can tabs, she had come to confess her love to a "J" man. To her, he was absolutely perfect. Surely, the fates would agree just this once.

They never relented. "G" was bound and determined to always pattnk. That very sound that tinkled with hope, now held a dull thud.

A day finally came when she gave into the powers of the universe. Her love for "J" men dissipated completely. She had made a vow that she would never love a "J" man ever again. If, in fact, she ever loved any man ever again. "I will just not marry at all!" She yelled to whomever might have been listening.

As always, the gods of the tab would not have it so. Reluctantly, she performed her ritual. Only now out of habit instead of hope. Believing that no answer could be given to her but her dreaded and dispised "G".

pattnk said the tab gleefully. She paused- no breath went passed her lips as she held the tab up to her face. A "J" tab! At last she had the long awaited, dreamt of tab! Surely it was a sign! The love she had for her "J" man had not been in vein! Carefully she tucked the tab inside her wallet. She gleamed with delight, for at last she had won the long battle against the fates! She would have her "J" man at last!

But he would not have her. Instead he turned his love away from her and gave it to an "R" woman. Dismay. Again she resolved to never love another. She did not dare let the fates have it their way. She would be defiant until the end!

He appeared. Slowly and quietly he walked into her life. Never disturbing the air around her, except to break down the resolve. One tab at a time. "Yes, this one is perfect." She thought to herself. "He is too perfect, he is not for me." How she wanted him, though. More than anything! More than all the "J" men and all the tabs that could ever be had! His first name had never come across her before, could he be the one to lift the evil curse dealt by the powers that be?
"What's your last name?" She asked. The love and painful feeling of joy made her heart want to break away from her chest.
"G" he replied with a smile.



pattnk.